Gentle parenting is making me feel like a total failure

The bit nobody tells you is that the calm approach is about the LONG game. It won't stop the tantrum happening. It just means that in a year or two she'll recover faster and start to have words for it. My son is 4 now and he'll actually say "I'm cross" instead of launching a shoe at me. Most days.

slightly unpopular take but I think firm and kind is the sweet spot. I use a lot of "I won't let you hit me" and then I physically move away or hold her hands. no long explanations. she knows where the line is and weirdly she's calmer for it

Thank you all, genuinely. I think I've been treating the calm voice as a magic spell that should stop the crying, and when it doesn't I feel like I've failed.

Tried the say-it-once-then-shut-up approach this morning over shoes. Still a meltdown, but it lasted about 6 minutes instead of 25, and I didn't lose my temper. Small win.

From someone who has looked after a lot of 2 year olds: the ones with the biggest tantrums are very often the ones who feel safest with the adult in front of them. She saves it for you because you're her person. Doesn't make the shop floor any less mortifying, I know.

Also the crisps rule. Never go into a shop with a hungry toddler. I learned this the hard way. Snack in pocket at all times, like a sort of emergency rations officer.