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The mental load is breaking me and he genuinely doesn't see it

clapham_mum_of3 · Member1,150 views7 replies
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clapham_mum_of3

Member

Link to post #3688

I don't even know how to explain this without sounding petty, so bear with me.

My husband is a good dad. He does bath time, he'll cook on a Saturday, he takes the kids to football. But every single thing that needs remembering lives in my head. The dentist, the school trip money, the birthday party RSVP, the fact that our middle one has outgrown her school shoes, the council tax direct debit that bounced, the parents' evening slot booking that opens at 7pm sharp.

Last night he said "just tell me what you need me to do" and I nearly cried. Because that IS the job. Working out what needs doing is the job.

How have other people actually shifted this? Not just shared the tasks, but shared the thinking?

Priya_R_London

Member

Link to post #3689

"Just tell me what to do" makes me want to scream into a pillow. You're not his project manager.

What worked for us was handing over entire areas, start to finish. He owns everything to do with the kids' health now. Dentist, GP, repeat prescriptions, vaccinations, the lot. If it gets missed, it gets missed, and I don't swoop in. Took about three months and one missed dental check-up before it stuck.

Wandsworth_Will

Member

Link to post #3690

Dad here, and I'll be honest, I was your husband about two years ago.

What actually got through to me was my wife writing down everything she'd thought about in one ordinary Tuesday. It was two full pages. I'd have guessed maybe ten things. I genuinely didn't know because none of it was visible to me.

Not saying that's your job to do either, but it was the moment it clicked for me.

JustJess

Member

Link to post #3691

we use a shared calendar and a shared notes list but honestly the apps don't fix it. someone still has to notice the school shoes are too small. the noticing is the work.

clapham_mum_of3

Member

Link to post #3692

Will, that's really helpful, thank you. I might try the two pages thing even though part of me resents having to.

Priya, I like the idea of owning a whole area. Health might be a good one for us because he's actually better at phone calls than I am.

Hackney_Hen

Member

Link to post #3693

There's a card game version of this where you divide all the household tasks and each card has the planning, doing and follow-up bits written out. We did it over a bottle of wine and it was oddly fun. Also oddly confrontational. Mostly fun.

grumpy_but_kind

Member

Link to post #3694

Gentle counterpoint: make sure you're also willing to accept it being done his way. I took back half the jobs I'd handed over because he bought the 'wrong' snacks for the school trip. Took me a while to realise that was on me, not him.

Aoife.M

Member

Link to post #3695

The parents' evening slot booking at 7pm sharp is a blood sport. Whoever designed that system has never had a toddler at bedtime.

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